Seun (39) Married • Nigerian Man in Diaspora
“I Didn’t Pull Away. I Just Got Tired.”
The Silent Drift From a Man’s Perspective
No one teaches men how to talk about emotional distance.
So when a man grows quiet, withdraws and becomes “less expressive”, people assume he doesn’t care.
But a lot of times we’re actually overwhelmed.
Let’s talk about the provider pressure that men know but few people talk about.
For many men, especially Nigerian men in diaspora like me, relocation is a major change.
Back home in Nigeria, I had status, a strong support system and identity. But in Europe, I’ve had to rebuild a lot of things. That meant leaving a lot of what I had built behind back in Nigeria to start afresh.
So I work harder, earn in euros but I have to send money back home, try to compete in unfamiliar systems and still try to be strong for everyone. And in the process of giving out so much strength, i become silent myself because mental tiredness is real.
The truth is, we don’t mean to drift but often it’s not recognised because the drift doesn’t start with “I’m done.”
It starts with “I’m tired,” “I’ll deal with it later,”“I can’t handle another emotional conversation right now.”
So we postpone connection again and again and again distance creeps in.
What women might not know is that men can feel unseen too.
While our ladies might feel like the we’re not talking to them anymore, we may feel like they only see what we’re not doing.
And because of our upbringing back home, we struggle to share our feelings of failing, not knowing how to balance it all and just generally missing when life had less pressure.
So if you feel that we are drifting, just know that we don’t need attack, comparison or competition. We need you to genuinely ask us what’s up, appreciate our efforts, be our emotional security and give us the safe space to admit our fears and weaknesses without losing our dignity. Because sometimes the drift is not a lack of love, it’s just mental and emotional exhaustion
Now let me talk to you, my fellow men.
Instead of shutting down, ask yourself if you have invited your lady into what you’re carrying.
She’s not a spirit you know.
You need to communicate with her because trying to be strong without intimacy with your significant other will lead you to inward isolation and eventually distance and sometimes resentment, over something you never clearly communicated.
That’s how I approached mine and it changed a lot of things for me.
